Never again

Never again.

Never again will I be who I am. Never again will be somebody I don't know or recognise.

I looked at myself in the mirror this few days and I learnt that I have changed. I became a monster whom I am ashamed of and is sick to the core. The world around me has changed except for one thing. One person. That person, however, is not me.

I became the worst nightmare and I was the nightmare to not only myself. I cannot forgive myself. I cannot foresee myself doing so. Even I am forgiven, I am still waiting for the day when I have forgiven myself.

I may start afresh. I may rot in hell. I may have to work doubly hard. I may slack and fade away, like I did. Never will I be the same. Never again.

The moment I tripped, I let myself fall. I thought that was funny at first but the pain sets in after awhile. The pain has grown so much that I feel numb yet it still hurts. Can you imagine this pain on the receipient? The defenseless receipient.

Never again will I go down same road. Never again. My feelings for myself will be the same again. I detest myself. For what? For all the things I have done. I have somehow forgot about the beginnings. I forgot how nice I was, or I thought I was. What was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking? I remember when I spent money (I had little then) on lip balm. I remember going for impromptu weekend to Sentosa for the luge ride. I remember the first time we quarreled and things just flew. I remember when we made up. I remember the days when you were the love of my life. I remember the day when you sent me off. I remember the days when I visit. I remember the days you visited me. I remember the days when you came back as and when you could. I remember how you wished you didn't have to go and stay by my side. I remember how excited you were when you told me you are coming back for good. I remember a lot more, a lot more clearly.

I have forgotten all of the above in the past few months. I remembered them in these recent months too. The latter being more recent. Never again will I forget. No matter what the outcome is. I cannot remember what our song is but I do recall "Fade Into You" which we listened to when we went out for our first date. How I wish I will always fade into you, and only you. Never again.

The two words, "Never again" is so etched in my mind the whole day. I fucked everything up so badly. No amount of tears is enough to salvage the situation. It's coming to a week tomorrow. I can never forget that very night when I see you shatter into a million pieces. And I was responsible. Your face. Your disappointment. The love of your life stabbing you right in your heart. Never again.

If I could change into monster. I hope God can change me. I am willing to change. I want to change. Please give me strength to change for the better. I deserted you but I have always believed in you. Oh merciful Lord, please forgive me and heal her. Heal her pain and sorrow. Build up her confidence and bless her at all times not to make the same mistake again. Please bless her with the nicest man that she so rightly deserves. It's time for me to grow up. I have grown.

God, please make me wiser as I have been unwise.;
Make me mature as I was child-like and naive;
Make me sensitive as I was heartless;
Give me strength as I was weak;
May I seek solace in you as I never did in a long time;
Give me the power and endurance to love again and never give up;
Amen.


I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you again. Never again.